Cheating - What To Do When You've Been Caught Red-Handed
A lot of times, cheating is followed instantly by regret. One night of sexual fun - or a string of nights that blossom into an affair - doesn't necessarily mean you still don't love or need the person you're supposed to be loyal to.
So what if your partner catches you cheating, but you still want to save the relationship? Can you keep them from breaking up or divorcing you, or is the relationship doomed to failure the moment you get caught being unfaithful?
Saving a relationship from infidelity is possible, but only with the right combination of moves. Most people react so negatively to the fact their affair was uncovered that they inadvertently push their partner away rather than draw them back. The relationship is already damaged, but in an attempt to save face they stomp all over whatever feelings might still remain.
Want your partner to get past the fact that you cheated? You'll need to learn exactly how to handle a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife that catches you in someone else's arms.
More importantly, you'll need to know which clean slate techniques are necessary to get your lover to forgive you, so any future relationship can actually survive.
Step One: Giving Your Partner Full License to be Angry and Upset
In cheating on them, you betrayed your partner on the ultimate of levels. Mentally and emotionally, you've torn a huge hole in your relationship. Physically they're repulsed by you; they can't stand to think of you with this other person. All of this leads to instant anger and bitter resentment toward you, your attitude, and your treatment of the once good relationship you had as a couple. In short, you've screwed everything up.
The first step if your lover catches you cheating is to acknowledge and accept this. Understand that your partner has every right to be not just angry, but crying, screaming, and emotionally enraged by the fact that you cheated on them.
To get past what happened, you need to allow this anger. Your boyfriend or girlfriend needs to get this negative energy out. Your husband or wife needs you to be there for this, so you fully realize and understand just how badly hurt they are.
If you run off, disappear, or otherwise refuse to see the person you cheated on? These wounds can never begin to heal. Even if you're scared or ashamed of what you did, you need to face the person you were unfaithful to and allow them every right to speak their mind... even if this involves nothing more than hysterical crying and pushing you away.
Obviously you should never accept any sort of physical abuse - get out of there once things start getting thrown around the room. But if your boyfriend or girlfriend needs to yell at you? Suck it up. If your husband or wife needs to scream out their betrayal? Lower your head and accept it. The more they get out right now, the less pent-up resentment they'll feel for you later on, when you're both trying to save the marriage or relationship.
Step Two - Don't Defer Blame or Try To Turn Things Around
Shockingly enough, you'd be surprised to know that most people who get caught cheating instantly start pointing a finger in other directions. Rather than taking responsibility for having an affair, they look to put the blame on someone or something else.
Do NOT point out the flaws in your own relationship and use this as an excuse for cheating. Boredom, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, contact, or time spent together... these are legitimate relationship problems, sure. And while these may have been a factor in why you cheated, you CANNOT point these things out right now, immediately after your partner or spouse has caught you being unfaithful to them.
Finger-pointing will only enrage your lover, making them feel as if you're not fully accepting the blame for what happened. As far as they're concerned, there's NO excuse for cheating... and to be honest, they're right. If you were unhappy with the relationship at all, these things needed to be voiced and corrected before you ran off and slept with someone else.
By blaming the cheating on anything else other than your own stupidity, you're only going to leave LESS room for forgiveness. Why? Because even if you get back together to work on the relationship, your partner will always remember what you said. He or she will always worry that these things you pointed to could cause future cheating, and this will lead them to never trust you again. They'll think you'll run off and cheat the next time you're bored, or if you don't get enough attention, or if they're not giving you enough of a sex life. And as your partner lives in fear of you being unfaithful? The resentment builds up again... which translates into fighting, arguing, and damaging insecurity.
The other thing to keep in mind? Don't try to lessen your partner's anger or rage by telling them how "hurt" you are as well. Right now the only person in the room who has a right to be hurt is the person who got cheated on. If you start trying to turn the attention or pity back on yourself, or start crying or tearing up? Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is going to get even MORE pissed off by this. In a way you're stealing the show - you're taking away from their pain and differing attention onto yours. This is not the way to go, if you want to save your relationship after having cheated on your partner.
Step Three - Genuinely Apologize and Walk Away
This is a two-part process, but it needs to be done after your partner has gotten out most of his or her anger and feelings about the affair.
The apology comes first. Don't make it while your lover is still raging, and don't try to apologize while they're still putting you down. Wait until the anger is over, the crying has begun, and you're just about to leave. Be sure to tell them how genuinely sorry you are for what happened. Admit that you knew it was a mistake from the very beginning, you should never have done it, and that you instantly regretted what happened (and still do).
Any apology you make needs to happen once, so make it a good one. By apologizing over and over again you run the risk of losing power and respect, and you'll need both those things to save the relationship and win back trust later on.
And when the apology is over? You walk away. Don't stick around after this, and don't try to fix things.
Nothing you can do or say at this point will be constructive anyway, and chances are good it will be destructive. Leave without trying to hug or kiss or console your partner as well, as any sort of physical contact is totally unwanted right now.
One of two things will happen after your lover finds out you've been cheating: either they'll outright break up with you, or they'll shove you away.
In the first case, you need to accept the breakup. No matter how bad you might feel, or how scared you might be of losing this person, sticking around and clinging to the relationship is only going to make things worse.
By lingering the anger will continue, because now you're hanging around even after you've been rejected. The resentment will build up, because you're trying to continue a relationship that they've deemed to be dead: in effect, you're defying your lover yet again.
Even if they shove you away without saying how your affair will affect the overall relationship, your best course of action is to create as much space as possible between you and your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. By leaving them alone for the next few days you're giving them time to process what happened, and more importantly, time for their anger to dissipate or drain away.
Here's where your partner will turn to friends and family for support. This sucks, because although you'd rather keep things private you know the affair will affect how these people see you from now on. There's nothing you can do about this, so don't even try. Let your lover use whomever he or she needs to at this crucial time, even if that person is urging them to ditch you for good.
Eventually though, there will come a time when the anger's over and the loneliness begins. Here's where your lover starts missing you: not the cheating you of course, but the person they once fell in love with. They'll miss the companionship, the closeness, and most of all the normalcy of being in a relationship.
Being totally, utterly, and completely alone can change someone's perspective on things very quickly, especially if you apply reversal techniques during the walk-away portion of the breakup.
By walking away you're also giving your lover cause for concern. He or she is already upset that you cheated, but now they have to worry about furthering the affair through silence and lack of contact. Are you out with this other person, still cheating? Or are you home alone, sorry for what you did? Either way, your boyfriend or girlfriend will start leaning in the direction of contacting you... even if it's just to check in. They might still be angry, but not nearly as angry as if you'd stuck around trying to keep them calm or dissuade them from being angry.
Getting Your Lover To Forgive The Affair and Wipe The Slate Clean
Let's be honest - your partner will never completely forget that you cheated. They might do everything in their power to move forward and keep the relationship alive, but in the back of their mind they'll always remember you were once unfaithful to them.
You'll need to accept that this is okay. You can't make someone forget such a betrayal. That said, you can get them to forgive you, in the interests of staying together as a couple.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend loves you, they'll actually WANT to forget about what happened. If your husband or wife wants to keep the marriage intact, they'll need to get past your affair. Looking forward to the future is the one and only way to make things work after you've been caught cheating. Only by concentrating and focusing on the future can you start to forget about and diminish the problems of the past.
Fixing a relationship damaged be cheating also requires you to be very patient. You partner isn't likely to trust you anytime soon, and with good reason. It's vital that you both understand and respect this. You can't 'demand' that everything be forgotten just because it's convenient for you, or even because your partner's making you feel guilty about cheating on them.
When it comes to making up, especially after cheating, you'll need to put your best foot forward. And the more you know about making your lover need you again? The quicker the wounds caused by an affair can heal.
Making Up Made Easy is an amazing all-in-one system for creating that exact environment.
It demonstrates simple behavioral adjustments that will draw you ex back to you regardless of your relationship situation, and even if you've been caught being unfaithful. Step by step, it shows how you can create a need for yourself in your ex's life, and how to manipulate the situation so that they come running back to you.
Check out the free video shown to the right, and get your lover back on track to forgiving you and wanting you back.