Regaining Trust and Wiping The Slate Clean After an Affair

Nothing leaves a more permanent and lasting mark on a relationship than one person cheating on the other. For those couples who try to work through an affair, it can be an almost insurmountable obstacle to overcome.

Cheating Advice
Rebuilding trust after an affair: it won't happen right away

In fact, many couples try to continue dating after one or both partner have been caught cheating, only to find that they simply can't do it. Unfortunately, good intentions don't always translate to success.

The same thing goes for a marriage: when one person is unfaithful to the other, it's something that not everyone can rationalize in their mind... or get past in their heart. Husbands and wives trying to hold their marriage together after an affair will never find it an easy task.

Still, there are couples that DO survive something as bad as cheating. There are marriages that continue onward to last for years or even decades, with both parties satisfied and happy.

If your partner was unfaithful and you're still in love with them, you'll want to get past what happened and back to being a normal couple as quickly as possible. On the flip side of the coin, if you're the one who cheated? You'll be looking for the quickest way to forgiveness: the fastest possible way you can get your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend to forgive you for the mistake of being unfaithful.

Step One: Getting The Affair Completely Out In The Open

Moving past a cheating lover requires several things, but the most important? Rationalization. You need to rationalize and process what happened in your own mind before you can begin to forgive someone from cheating on you.

This means you'll need to face the fact that your partner had an affair. Whether it was your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife... even your fiance' - whomever it was that cheated on you ended up emotionally betraying your trust. Physically they were with someone else, but it's the mental and emotional attachments that are often the hardest to get over.

Making Up Made Easy M3 System

You cannot forgive a person for cheating on you unless the cheating is OVER. You must be absolutely sure and 100% convinced that it is, and your partner should do everything possibly to reassure you on this. Putting the pieces of a broken relationship back together requires a total commitment from both of you, and this can't happen if you're always afraid the cheating could happen again.

If you're not sure your partner's affair is over, and are afraid they might still be seeing someone else? Learn these easy techniques to find out if your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is currently cheating on you.

Identifying The Root Cause of The Affair

If you're not sure why an affair happened, you won't be able to fix the problems that caused the cheating in the first place. And if you can't fix these problems? Having an affair is something that's going to happen within your relationship again... and again.

Reasons for cheating are many, but there are some common ones to look out for. The first and most powerful? Emotional abandonment. If your partner feels abandoned or emotionally detached from you, or they feel as if they don't get enough attention? It becomes very easy to cheat.

Although physical attraction is a part of any sexual affair, the root causes of cheating are almost always emotional. Your lover could feel neglected, abandoned, or just plain lonely in the relationship. Spending too much time apart is a big culprit, and spending too much time fighting each other is another. These things drive you emotionally away from each other as a couple, which leads to resentment, loneliness, and an empty feeling that used to be filled by love and attention.

It's this void or emptiness that causes people to be unfaithful. When you're feeling down, hollow, bored, or generally estranged from your partner, you become a lot more susceptible to other people's attention. The first person who comes along with some kind words and a few compliments suddenly becomes a type of hero or savior, and if there's any kind of physical attraction at that point the danger of cheating begins.

How To Deal With Cheating When an Ex-Lover is Involved

A great majority of cheating happens with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, or even an ex husband or wife. One person emotionally ducks out of their current relationship to renew something he or she already threw away... and the renewal of that prior relationship now has the added spark of something forbidden and exciting.

Cheating With Ex

People cheat with an ex because it's easy. You already know that person, you've already had sex with that person, and you're already comfortable in many important ways. It's easy to ditch the bad memories of the past relationship, forget about what broke you up, and focus solely on the good times and great memories you may have had with this person. This shared history leads to a kinship between you and your ex, and any residual emotional bonds that never got severed might still already be there.

So if your partner is cheating with an ex? Things become a lot more difficult to get over. It's easier to forget that your boyfriend or girlfriend may have slept with a total stranger... but when it's with someone they once dated, things get sticky. Emotional attachments are a hard thing to overcome, no matter how much your lover might tell you the affair "meant nothing" to them. Seeing them with an ex is also dangerous in that you'll constantly be worried that your lover could, given sufficient reasons or temptation, go right back to seeing that person again.

This is why it's so important to cut ties between your partner and his or her ex-lover. Unless your partner shares custody of children with their ex-lover or spouse, there's no good reason to be communicating or talking to that person while in a new relationship with you.

Cutting all contact here is vital, if you want to continue with your own relationship. This includes the "we're just friends..." excuse (which is exactly that - an excuse), as well as your partner being friends with an ex on Facebook. It's funny how many people think of Facebook as nothing more than an innocent online connection, yet it's responsible for so many renewed relationships and the sparking up of past romances that Facebook itself has become a hub for all kinds of cheating.

Remember, you want to look forward not back. If your lover is looking into his or her past to find reasons to be with an ex, he or she is NOT happy in their current relationship with you. This is where you need to sit them down and find out exactly why they're looking back instead of forward. It may be that they're just reliving glory days, but if you want to get past an affair you'll both need to be focused on the future, not the past.

Agreeing to Wipe The Slate Clean After Cheating

Want to continue on with your relationship after your partner cheated? That's fine... but in making that decision, you're effectively agreeing to forget about what happened and move forward.

The Magic of Making Up

Forgiving and forgetting... this is the only way to move on after an affair. This doesn't mean your lover gets a free pass for cheating on you without any reprisals, but it does mean you're willing to start fresh and rebuild your relationship WITHOUT ever bringing up the cheating again.

By this point you should have already sat down, discussed what happened, and identified reasons why it happened. Don't take the blame for your partner's cheating, but don't absolve yourself of all responsibility entirely either. Understand that in trying to make the relationship work again, you'll need to forgive. Beating your partner up again and again might feel good to you, but it's only going to drive them away - not to mention make yourself even more resentful - when you're actually trying to keep them.

A whole new relationship: this should be your goal. Put the past behind you, and agree to never mention it again. Your lover will be glad to do this, as it instantly puts the affair behind them. If they love and value you as a partner, they'll be happy to start fresh and work on creating new beginnings, giving your new romance the best possible chance to succeed.

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SSlith    said on 09-21-2011

My girlfriend of three months cheated on me with her ex boyfriend while I was out with my friends. I found out when one of her friends (who she was supposed to be with that night) slipped up, and then she tearfully admitted what happened.

I want to get over it, but it's hard. We haven't been dating that long, so I keep telling myself it's nothing more than leftover feelings she needed to get out of her system. But I can't stop thinking about the two of them being together.

It's stupid I know. She dated this guy for years and has been with him so many times, but it's the betrayal that bothers me most. Sometimes I feel like we can't get past it, but other times I love her so much and I know I don't want to be with anyone else.

Since she cheated on me she's been nothing but nice, and she's gone out of her way to make me feel secure about everything. But I still can't get it out of my head! Please help.

marissa    said on 09-13-2011

He doesn't want to wipe the slate clean - he wants to keep making me feel bad about what happened. I only cheated once with an ex and it was a one-night thing and it wasn't even good, but nothing i can say will change how he feels about me. He says he'll never trust me again, so should I even bother trying to fix things?

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